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Some AJ Random Thoughts

Sunday, October 11, 2015

This is just a place to put some of the funny/interesting things I found at one point or another.

  1. I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
  2. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
  3. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
  4. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
  5. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
  6. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
  7. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
  8. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
  9. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
  10. Keyboard Not Found - Press [F1] to Continue.
  11. A great way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.
  12. There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: want less.
  13. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
  14. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
  15. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  16. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  17. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  18. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  19. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
  20. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  21. Remember half the people you know are below average.
  22. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
  23. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
  24. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  25. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  26. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  27. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  28. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
  29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  30. Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.
  31. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  32. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
  33. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  34. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  35. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  36. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  37. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  38. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  39. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.
  40. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  41. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.
  42. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  43. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
  46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  47. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
  48. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
  49. Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
  50. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
  51. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
  52. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
  53. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
  54. Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing?
  55. Why does fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
  56. Why do tug boats push their barges?
  57. Why do we sing Take me out to the ball game when we are already there?
  58. Why are seats at a stadium called stands when they are made for sitting?
  59. Why is it call after dark when it really is after light?
  60. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
  61. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
  62. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
  63. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
  64. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
  65. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  66. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  67. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
  68. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
  69. How come the word abbreviated is such a long word?
  70. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
  71. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  72. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
  73. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  74. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  75. Don't squat with your spurs on.
  76. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
  77. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  78. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  79. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  80. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
  81. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  82. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
  83. Falling isn't so bad, it's the sudden stop at the end that sucks!
  84. When in an airplane, the only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
  85. A propeller is just a big fan in front of a plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  86. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law! And it is not subject to appeal.
  87. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  88. When flying an airplane, a good landing is one from which you can walk away. A great landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
  89. If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
  90. Why do you transport something by car called a shipment, but transport something by ship called a cargo?
  91. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  92. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
  93. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
  94. Definition of transvestite: Someone who like to eat, drink and be Mary.
  95. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

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